The phrase emotional intelligence surfaced in the 1960s but only entered popular consciousness in the nineties with a bestselling book. Yet even now, in the age of therapy apps and mindfulness podcasts, many of us remain emotionally illiterate. The cost is steep: frayed civility, eroded cooperation, an epidemic of loneliness. Rage flares in our feeds and bleeds into daily life. Small disagreements spiral into shouting matches or silence. Do you flip a board game in anger, ruining the experience for everyone? Sob over a minor disappointment? Reach for that third cupcake that was “calling your name”?
In his new book, Shift: Managing Your Emotions—So They Don’t Manage You, University of Michigan psychology professor Ethan Kross offers science-backed tools to help us stay steady in turbulent times without numbing ourselves or pretending we don’t feel. The next time you hear “Get a handle on your emotions!”—whether from your own inner voice or someone else—you’ll be prepared.
Dawson: Why is learning to regulate our emotions especially urgent in this moment, socially, politically, and in the age of constant online connection?
Kross: Well, that’s a great question. I think it’s always been tremendously urgent. I mean, look at one of the first stories of the Bible, the story of Adam and Eve [who were unable to fight temptation]. It’s a story about the failure to manage our emotions. Difficulties of emotion regulation have been perplexing for people, likely as long as human beings have been roaming the planet.
It feels incredibly urgent right now because we’re being pulled in lots of different directions, with social media providing distractions. Politically, I think there’s a ton of uncertainty and turbulence in the world, and we know that turbulence and uncertainty are conditions that people don’t really like. We like to know the world is orderly and predictable…But let’s not forget, there have been many other very uncertain times.
Dawson: Some people believe they can’t control their emotions, but you’re saying we really do have control. This is especially important as emotions can be contagious.
Kross: This is a really important issue because if you don’t believe you can control your emotions, it doesn’t make sense that you would actually try. If you don’t think you can lose any weight, why change your diet?
People who say they can’t control their emotions, there is some truth to that. We can’t control the emotions that are automatically triggered throughout the day…Sometimes a thought activates a memory infused with emotion. I can’t predict when I’ll come across a headline or have a conversation that reminds me of something emotional in my life.
What we do have control over, however, is how we manage those emotional responses once they’re activated.
That’s where we have a ton of agency…Focusing on what you can control versus what you can’t is a really important step to becoming a better emotion regulator.
Dawson: You’ve said that failing to manage emotions can be deeply damaging to our lives. How is emotional regulation linked to success in relationships, work, and well-being?
Kross: The inability to successfully manage our emotions can impact us in three domains of life that we care a lot about:
It can make it really hard for us to think and perform. If you’re consumed by an emotion, it’s drawing your attention…when that attention could be used to help you do your job. If you can’t stop thinking about an argument or something you’re anxious about, that’s taking away your ability to perform well. Sometimes it’s even leading you to take a sick day.
It can create problems in our relationships by leading us to lash out at others and take our frustration out on them. It can create friction by leading us to talk endlessly about our problems in ways that push other people away. For some people, it can lead them to withdraw from relationships and try to deal with their problems on their own.
When it comes to health and well-being, experiencing prolonged dysregulated emotion can exert wear and tear on your body…It predicts things like cardiovascular disease, inflammation, certain forms of cancer. Subjectively, it doesn’t feel good to experience negative emotions for long periods of time at heightened states.
I do want to say that you shouldn’t strive to live a life free of any negative emotional experience. That’s not a feasible goal, nor a desirable one. [Indeed, in Shift, Kross shares how anxiety, sadness, regret, guilt, anger, fear, can be helpful.] Experiencing negative emotions in circumscribed ways, not too intensely, not too long, can be really, really helpful.
When we talk about problems of emotion regulation, we’re talking our emotions being experienced too intensely for the situation and lasting too long.
Dawson: Some people rage, yell, and smash things, and justify these outbursts by saying, I’m just being honest, you’ll always know where I stand, I need to vent and get it out, or that it feels good. When is expressing emotions too much?
Kross: It depends on your goals. Is the emotion helping you achieve your goal? Expressing an emotion can feel good in the moment, but if all you do is express it without taking additional steps to work through it, people often stay upset for even longer in ways that can be damaging. So, it’s all about ‘Is the emotional experience serving you?’
Sometimes expressing an emotion can be really helpful for communicating dissatisfaction and influencing someone else’s behavior. If my kids do something dangerous that they know they shouldn’t, I will express anger and frustration to them, and there’s a functionality to that. We experience anger in a situation where our sense of what is right and wrong has been violated, and there’s something we can do to rectify the situation. My expression of anger is sending a signal to them that says, ‘Hey, this wasn’t right, and you need to do things differently.’
Now there’s a sweet spot. You don’t want to rage and rage…You want to do it in a more circumscribed way, but ultimately, the question is, ‘Is the response serving you?’. In the situations you’re describing, the subtext is they’re not. While people say it feels good in the moment, it might be coming at the expense of them recovering or creating friction in their relationships. If there are those expenses, then you’ve got to take steps to regulate.
Dawson: If you could give people an emotional regulation starter kit, what would be in it?
Kross: It goes back to what are your goals? Emotion regulation is your ability to align your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors with your goals. If focusing on the past is preventing you from making progress in your current pursuits, you want to be able to flexibly shift your attention to the present.
Let’s say the present, though, is filled with uncertainty and anxiety, causing enormous distress. Then focusing on the future – thinking, for example, about how you’re going to feel about this particular issue 10 years from now, 10 months from now – can be a really helpful tool for putting your experience in perspective. It makes clear that, as awful as a current situation is, it’s impermanent and will eventually pass. You could also go back into the past…to broaden your perspective.
In the book, I talk about my grandmother, who survived the Holocaust. There have been moments…where I’ve felt like I’m dealing with the biggest obstacle imaginable…But I think: how does this compare to having my grandmother’s entire family killed before her eyes…then moving to a strange country with nothing? That really helps me put my experience in perspective.
Another example: let’s say something bad happens in the past, and you keep going over it, ruminating endlessly. “Why did I do this? What if this happens because of this?” That could be a good time to refocus on the present. What is your breath in this very moment?
So, the compass I’d give people is to first ask yourself: is where you’re focusing serving you? If it is, no intervention needed. If fantasizing about your next vacation makes you feel great without undermining your current pursuits, why intervene?
But if your time perspective is undermining your ability to achieve your goals…then you can shift to focusing on a different facet of your life from a temporal perspective.
Dawson: You’ve shared that, sometimes, giving space before approaching a problem is the best strategy.
Kross: We can be flexible. We can take some time away and then come back to it. A great example of this, that resonates with a lot of people, is the really aggravating email that pops into your inbox. Is it best practice to respond the moment you read it? Or are you better off waiting a few hours if you can, or a few days, and then responding once things have cooled down? Most people have had experiences where they’ve benefited from the latter. We can use our attention strategically.
Dawson: What is the tool of Distant Self-Talk, and how does it help?
Kross: We’re much better at giving advice to others than to ourselves. When you use the word “you” to refer to yourself or your own name, you automatically shift perspective. It turns on the mental machinery for thinking about others, making it much easier to give yourself wise, emotionally intelligent advice.
Beyond these strategies, Shift also explores practical tools: “space shifting” (changing your environment to shift mood), “relationship shifting” (using social connection to broaden perspective), “culture shifting” (reflecting on how communities shape our emotions), and WOOP (Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, Plan), a method for turning intentions into concrete actions.
Managing our inner weather isn’t about avoiding storms; it’s about learning to navigate them. The tools are already within reach. We just need to use them the next time the winds pick up.
Alene Dawson is a Southern California-based writer known for her intelligent and popular features, cover stories, interviews, and award-winning publications. She’s a regular contributor to the LA Times.
